I touched on it briefly in my last post that I have found it hard to settle back in to my life in Brighton since getting back form New York.
I have been thinking about it more and more the last few days and I can't seem to put my finger on why that is.
I initialy applied for my placement in may 2013 and spent a huge amount of time and effort planning my way to spending 7 months in New York. My placement at Marc Jacobs ended in march this year and I have been back in England for over two months now. Two months!
I just can't really get my head around the whole thing. On so many levels. The fact thats its over, that I'm not part of the high fashion bubble I was so heavily involved in for so long and worked so hard for.
I didn't think it would take me so long to readjust to being at home. I thought I would just slot right back in. But it hasn't been that easy. Plain and simple I miss the city, I miss the friends I made and I miss working at Marc Jacobs. I whole heartedly loved my experience. It was hard work and very tiring at times but I would not hesitate to repeat it.
I can't put into words what it meant to me and really how enraptured I was by living and working in New York. Being a part of the team at Marc Jacobs was really incredible and leaving it all behind to come back to my life in Brighton has been really hard. Having been to New York city several times before I knew roughly what to expect but I hadn't expected to feel like this when I left.
A few people have said to me that I was 'living the dream' doing what I was doing out there and really I can't think of a better way to express it. Thinking about it now I feel like the whole experience could have happened to someone else. It just feels so far away but so present in my mind at the same time.
While I was out there I also made plans for when I got home to do my internship at Topshop. I had two weeks between getting home and when I would start. My internship with them lasted for only a month but I really enjoyed my time and got on very well with the team. It lead to be being taken on to do some freelance work for them which I was really thrilled about and it does feel gratifying to know I did a good job.
But that leaves me a bit lost now. I am a girl without a plan. And I really hate that. I like to be in control probably to somewhat of an obsessive degree.
I start back at university for my final year of my degree at the end of September but until then I have nothing in the pipeline. I am back working at Urban Outfitters as I was before I left for the states so that is filling my days for the time being. Part of me is happy with just that and I deserve a bit of a break and time to relax but I feel that I should be utilising my last summer as a student by undertaking another placement or internship.
And this is where I am. I feel pretty lost. I wouldn't say I'm pining for New York but an emotion close to that! This state of limbo has really lead me to not doing anything much with my blog or youtube and I haven't even been instagramming as much as usual. And anyone who knows me knows how addicted I am to that app!
My thoughts have been clouded and muddled and I have felt very stressed. For no real reason other than I put a lot of pressure on myself. Pressure like you wouldn't believe. I think its about time to accept that I am doing an ok job at all of this and give myself a little credit for what I've achieved rather than constantly beating myself up over what I haven't done.
I struggle with things like this a lot, I am the eternal pessimist and focus very heavily on the negative side of any situation. I rarely think of myself or any of my accomplishments in a positive manor and it only feeds the cycle of feeling stressed and worn out.
I can be very closed off when it comes to discussing emotions and what not and admitting that I am struggling or have been is very hard. I am not perfect and I don't have everything together and sorted. And you know what, THATS OK!
I will probably never have everything together or be in control of every little aspect of my life. And learning to live with that will take some getting used to but for the sake of my own sanity its about time I try.
I don't know what motivated me to sit down to write this post but putting all my thoughts down helps clear my head and process what I'm thinking a little better.
I wasn't sure whether to publish it or not as it is probably the most personal piece I've ever written for this blog but it feels therapeutic to get it all out.
Its a bit of a ramble and probably isn't the best quality of writing but its honest and I appreciate you taking the time to read it.