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Thursday, 5 June 2014

Life | Lost


I touched on it briefly in my last post that I have found it hard to settle back in to my life in Brighton since getting back form New York.
I have been thinking about it more and more the last few days and I can't seem to put my finger on why that is.

I initialy applied for my placement in may 2013 and spent a huge amount of time and effort planning my way to spending 7 months in New York.  My placement at Marc Jacobs ended in march this year and I have been back in England for over two months now. Two months!
I just can't really get my head around the whole thing. On so many levels. The fact thats its over, that I'm not part of the high fashion bubble I was so heavily involved in for so long and worked so hard for.

I didn't think it would take me so long to readjust to being at home. I thought I would just slot right back in. But it hasn't been that easy. Plain and simple I miss the city, I miss the friends I made and I miss working at Marc Jacobs. I whole heartedly loved my experience. It was hard work and very tiring at times but I would not hesitate to repeat it.
I can't put into words what it meant to me and really how enraptured I was by living and working in New York. Being a part of the team at Marc Jacobs was really incredible and leaving it all behind to come back to my life in Brighton has been really hard. Having been to New York city several times before I knew roughly what to expect but I hadn't expected to feel like this when I left.

A few people have said to me that I was 'living the dream' doing what I was doing out there and really I can't think of a better way to express it. Thinking about it now I feel like the whole experience could have happened to someone else. It just feels so far away but so present in my mind at the same time.

While I was out there I also made plans for when I got home to do my internship at Topshop. I had two weeks between getting home and when I would start. My internship with them lasted for only a month but I really enjoyed my time and got on very well with the team. It lead to be being taken on to do some freelance work for them which I was really thrilled about and it does feel gratifying to know I did a good job.

But that leaves me a bit lost now. I am a girl without a plan. And I really hate that. I like to be in control probably to somewhat of an obsessive degree.
I start back at university for my final year of my degree at the end of September but until then I have nothing in the pipeline. I am back working at Urban Outfitters as I was before I left for the states so that is filling my days for the time being. Part of me is happy with just that and I deserve a bit of a break and time to relax but I feel that I should be utilising my last summer as a student by undertaking another placement or internship.

And this is where I am. I feel pretty lost. I wouldn't say I'm pining for New York but an emotion close to that! This state of limbo has really lead me to not doing anything much with my blog or youtube and I haven't even been instagramming as much as usual. And anyone who knows me knows how addicted I am to that app!
My thoughts have been clouded and muddled and I have felt very stressed. For no real reason other than I put a lot of pressure on myself. Pressure like you wouldn't believe. I think its about time to accept that I am doing an ok job at all of this and give myself a little credit for what I've achieved rather than constantly beating myself up over what I haven't done.
I struggle with things like this a lot, I am the eternal pessimist and focus very heavily on the negative side of any situation. I rarely think of myself or any of my accomplishments in a positive manor and it only feeds the cycle of feeling stressed and worn out.
I can be very closed off when it comes to discussing emotions and what not and admitting that I am struggling or have been is very hard. I am not perfect and I don't have everything together and sorted. And you know what, THATS OK!
I will probably never have everything together or be in control of every little aspect of my life. And learning to live with that will take some getting used to but for the sake of my own sanity its about time I try.

I don't know what motivated me to sit down to write this post but putting all my thoughts down helps clear my head and process what I'm thinking a little better.
I wasn't sure whether to publish it or not as it is probably the most personal piece I've ever written for this blog but it feels therapeutic to get it all out.
Its a bit of a ramble and probably isn't the best quality of writing but its honest and I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

Tania
xx
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7 comments:

  1. You seem goal orientated just like I am. It's a very bizarre feeling because I feel like I'm always trying harder for something bigger and better, and who's telling me I have to do that? Nobody! You most definitely deserve a break. You shouldn't feel guilty about that because at the end of the day you're human haha. It's been lovely to read this post and see you gain some perspective. It also make me realise I'm not alone in this whole self doubt phase of my life. It's normal and other people feel exactly the same. Thank you xx

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    1. Exactly! thank you for such a lovely comment. You are definitely not alone with the self doubt, I'm sure more people than we think must deal with the same feelings. Its hard to relinquish some control but in the long run I think it will help!
      xxx

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    2. Dear Tania, I just got back to America after spending this past year living in Berlin. I feel the exact same way as you!! Even with the Instagram!! Transitions like ours are seriously so hard. I miss my life there! It sucks when things just have to end and we have no real choice in whether we want to stay or go. Mind you I am happy to be back but also sad that I had to leave. It is just such a weird time. I love both lives I live in each place but something still just hasn't settled or felt right… Anyways I just thought I would share that I am also going through the same thing….

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  2. Hi Tania, just a thought from a complete stranger who gets it :) Believe me I do. Everything you are feeling is normal. Really it is. Especially when you're on a massive comedown from an incredible experience like your NYC one you mentioned. It's like the holiday blues but a million times worse lol. It's even worse as you barely had time to breath before your next internship.

    So how do you expect your mind to register your successes if you don't give it time to digest? This summer should be about you. Take some time, see friends you haven't had time to see yet, get back on instagram if it used to make you happy, save some pennies and take a quickie holiday before school starts up again, maybe even send handwritten thank you notes to all the people at Marc Jacobs who hired you/managed you/befriended you if they meant that much to you, refresh your wardrobe in time for uni, sit on the pier, read something, do fun things, your summer is your own.

    It's also the last technically "free" holiday you'll get for a while. Once uni is done and you start working fulltime, you'll be selling your soul for more vacation days haha.

    Point is, you're being really hard on yourself. So stop. You're the boss of your mind, not the other way around.

    Sorry for the ridiculously long comment by the way. I went through something similar and just had to pass on my learnings.

    All the best,
    Lumes x

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    1. thank you so much! Honestly that is now of the loveliest things I've read. Its like you've climbed inside my head and told me everything I need to hear! Really thank you xx

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    2. Aww no worries, you're so welcome and I'm glad that was helpful :D x

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  3. Just came across your blog and all I can say is hang in there. I am always keeping myself busy and I know the feeling that as soon as you stop going at 100mph you instantly feel lost. Isn't it strange that we find it hard to enjoy doing nothing, but try to enjoy it!
    Something good will come along, especially with the go-get-'em attitude that you appear to have!
    I would love to do an internship in USA, it's something I've been wanting to do for quite a while... I would love if you could give me any tips for securing an internship over there.

    Thanks so much and I hope you find your self soon sweetie :),
    Oh and I'm now following you on bloglovin'!
    xxx

    http://tasxxx.blogspot.co.uk

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